A short skit : Dr. Make Money & his patient Helga meet Mr. Homeless
Here we have the gullible, overworked, and willfully blind Helga. Helga is thirty-five and has been working two jobs for the past ten years. She is proud of her hard work and loves to boast that she is “gainfully employed.” We also have Dr. Make Money who has been injected with a truth serum and for once will truly speak his mind. Now let’s not judge the characters in the skit, let’s observe them so we can simplify some of life’s questions.
Let’s begin our skit:
Patient Helga: ” I’m feeling so depressed doctor, I’m always jumpy and anxious. My nerves feel like they’re pulsing out of control. I watched this ad on tv yesterday. It was about fibromyalgia, you know- unknown pain all over your body. Maybe that’s what I have. Plus doc, I haven’t been doing the number 2 for a week now. I’m always constipated. My skin looks terrible! What’s wrong with me? İs it cancer? Is it Carona virus? İs there any new type of sickness I can catch doc?
Dr. Make Money: “Ah my dear gullible patient, I’m going to ask you a few more questions. You have given me wonderful information already that i can use for my diagnosis. You have practically diagnosed yourself. However, I need to assess your pocket first before I can bill your tests and prescriptions.
1. What’s your job title or how many jobs do you have?
2. Are you from a two-income household?
3. Do you have children?
Patient Helga: I have a full-time and a part-time job. I’m an accountant at a stock brokerage firm and a part-time business consultant. Yes, I’m married to a fellow accountant. We have three children. Why do you ask doc?
Dr. Make Money: I simply need to know how much is your budget and if you have good insurance so I can charge as much as possible.
Patient Helga: Oh, OK.
Dr. Make Money: I recommend we do a full body scan and brain scan Helga. We will also do full blood work testing. I could tell you the truth that your just an overworked bitch but I have to pay my daughter’s college fees soon and I need to charge you as much as possible.
I think you really do have fibromyalgia, you suggested it-not me. So here are some prescriptions for your imaginary disease. Even though you could use your common sense to realize that feeling depressed is a mental thing so treating the mind with physical pills is foolish- still I’m going to write you a prescription. And by the way, ensure that you fill the prescription at the pharmacy across the road because my cousin will give me my cut. Don’t fuck around with me and fill my prescription at any competing pharmacy tamam?
I will also recommend that you come back to see me in a few week’s time. The results of the test will either show some blood disorder or if I’m really feeling like it I will tell you it’s leukemia. I’m behind on the mortgage for my mansion, you understand?
Also, I have an optician friend who gives me a commission for every patient I send her, you look like a great candidate for glasses. Your definitely not going to walk out of that bitch’s office without glasses. Mhmm, I’m thinking it would probably be great to say you have sickle cell rather than leukemia, that way I could test your children too and then milk the whole fucking family for life. How about this, I will diagnose you with leukemia and then we go through chemotherapy and the whole she-bang. You can get your cancer survival story and I get to look like a brilliant doctor. Then after a couple of years, we can try again for the sickle cell diagnosis. Right
Patient Helga: Oh Dr. Make Money, whatever you say. İ worship every word that comes out of your mouth. İ believe anything you tell me.
In walks Mr. Homeless Guy: “Well Dr. Make Money you bagged another one! Congrats. If I had taken a page out of your book I probably wouldn’t be homeless. But alas I was once a doctor like you- very full of myself too. Mhmm but these few months in the warm homeless shelters have really given me a new outlook on life. Take patient Helga here, for example, your diagnosis is complete bullshit as we all can tell. Right readers? You did catch the drift that Dr. Make Money just wants to make money right? Hey Helga, do you want me to diagnose you?
Patient Helga: Well since you were once a Doctor and I never question a doctor, go right ahead!
Helga, I have been observing you for the past months and your story is no different from the majority. You have been working non-stop for the past ten years. You don’t believe in using up your sick days even when you truly not feeling well. You get ten days off out of 365 days a year, including some holidays. You go to work early to compete with other employees and leave work late for fear of being made redundant. Your whole identity is wrapped up in your job title. Your job is mundane and uninspiring, your brain cells stopped kicking eight years ago. You’re always tired which eventually led to you being cranky, jittery, and anxious. You go to bed at night with work stress on your mind and wake up with more work stress on your mind. Your nerves are shot! Your not living any type of life or doing anything that makes you happy. Secretly your not looking forward to retirement and sometimes you wish you could just kick the bucket. Your Life is that yucky.
Of course on the surface, you have a nice house, pension plan, and a good model car. But you can’t tell the last time you played basketball, you used to love playing basketball so much when you were a teen. You fell for the lie- that now your a sophisticated grown-up woman so how dare you to sweat! Ewwwwww.
Your husband and you are like two distant robots living in the same house. He doesn’t light your fire and you don’t light his. Let’s not even begin to talk about sex between you two, that’s either nonexistent or scheduled. When it is time to do it, both of you can’t wait to get it over with. Hence your pussy has given up on you and is now dry as the dessert.
Your kids dislike you both. They think you are nothing but dull and stern parents. They are right- you are dull and stern.
Since you’re so tired and overworked, you can’t reason for yourself. Your mental self detector for bullshit is fried. Hence any new fear or scare on T.V or any suggestions from your co-workers in your ears are easily digested into your mind. You have no protection, you have no peace, no joy.
You boast that you’re gainfully employed, but what have you gained? Unhappiness, no time for yourself, cutting short your lunch hour, poor diet leading to sucky digestion, training your body not to take a shit at work eewww god forbid you should take too many bathroom breaks, now you’re all constipated, you don’t even know what you truly like anymore, what you truly believe, you’re always having to be polite, smiling when you don’t want to, acting, being treated like you’re a kid by your boss, having no backbone at work because your shit scared of being fired, making a mountain out of molehills because someone borrowed your office pen, standing outside your body wondering who is this person, wondering when did I become such a small-minded asshole? Reminiscing on when you were sixteen and filled with hope, feeling trapped, living from paycheck to paycheck, distant from your kids, lacking courage, shaky marriage, easily open to suggestions, sickly, literally feeling your spirit dying every day… It’s no wonder your body is vexed with you.
I could go on but let me move on to your prescription Dear Helga.
Patient Helga: What should i do Mr. Homeless?
Mr. Homeless: Helga, the very best prescription I can give you is that you should quit your jobs and go sit in a river. Go somewhere quiet, don’t do anything else except sleep, and let the river water wash over you.
Patient Helga: No, No No I need something fast. İ need a quick solution Mr. Homeless. How will I explain it to my husband and kids, how will we live if I don’t work?
Mr. Homeless: You will live simple Helga. Buy a farm in Kenya or Uruguay Helga. You will save your marriage and your kids Helga.
Take care of yourself until the teenage Helga is back again. Talk with your husband while milking some cows in Uruguay. Before you know it, you and him are fucking in the bush on your farm. The old giggly Helga begins to grow again. Your mind can become clear and uncluttered for once. Faith Helga, have the courage to do something drastic.
Patient Helga: I don’t know Mr. Homeless, i don’t know.
Patient Helga gets up as though in a trance. “How ridiculous!” She thinks to herself. “Leave everything behind and go live. Laughable!” she mumbles to herself. “So why did I feel a burst of excitement at the thought of it all? Should I tell my husband Fredrick? No, let me think about it some more.” Seeds of hope have been planted in Helga’s mind. O
Mr. Homeless watches her leave Dr. Make Money’s office. Dr. Make Money too seems to be pondering. He too wishes he could go to Uruguay and milk cows with his distant wife Sharon. Dr. Make Money feels if he has to go to one more cocktail dinner to play one-upmanship with the other doctors he will explode.
Mr. Homeless says one statement before exiting Dr. Make Money’s Office
” It only takes decision.”